by Victoria Deliyianni


Cross-legged on my mat I am waiting for Ann. Unlike the expected inner relaxation and balanced feelings of meditating, I am walking out rather troubled by my practice.

Ann is hungry. Ann oftentimes forgets her stomach. Ann barely exists.

Mind goes to Ana/Pro Ana, which like Mia are often referred to in International terminology as anorexia nervosa and bulimia, respectively.The need for a flawless image-identity is hidden behind a routine of self-punishment.

A toilet bowl representing, a mirror of a different life style.
A mouth ready to Talk, Kiss, Suck, anything rather than Puke-Purge all the unwanted of a Binge-Overconsumption.On a second level the bottom of the bowl devours the mouth. Right hand enters tickling the esophagus, starting the procedure of purging. Reversing the image it’s the left hand, supporting the forehead all through the process.
Reminiscent of the blessing hand of Jesus Christ in religious icons of the Greek Orthodox Church as well as the ritual hidden beneath the act of repetition.
A Vortex repeating and fading after each toilet flush.
Sometimes violent, aggressive, others redeeming, others merely procedural. Flushing down desires, dreams, values all precious-colorful nuggets of our inner world.

Parenthesis_My attention turns to the vortexes. The Fibonacci sequence of the Golden Rule is a famous spiral where, after research, a generalized separation occurs. Clockwise rotating Vortices are considered female, while the reversed are assumed as male.
However, a deeper study of the Fibonacci swirl proves that this distinction does not make any sense as many vortexes reverse their rotation after they arrive at their center point.
There is no beginning to an end, but there is a beginning and an end to beginning and a beginning again and again.

The end is the beginning is the end.
Is it bright where you are?
And have the people changed?
Does it make you happy,
you’re so strange.

And in your darkest hour,
My old secrets lay,
You can watch the world devoured in its pain,
                                                            (The Smashing Pumpkins, The end is the beginning is the end) 

At the Vortex of Crisis.
All of us more or less hide Ann. Lost in the tornado of everyday routine and uncertainty.
Is this a vicious circle?
Maybe NOT. Like the wolf who circles around his prey, threatens and draws back, until his successful final attack…
For a happy end and a happy beginning and a happy beginning again and again.

The Smashing Pumpkins – The End Is the Beginning Is the End

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